I have been cycling all around in Bangalore on my khatara-pyaara second-hand over-priced cycle. Its been an elating experience to own such a perfect means of transport. The best part is that it can keep up with my energy level. I love when we criss-cross our way through the jammed traffic. On a cycle, you don't stop.. you figure new paths out. Have been missing on such a heavy dose of everyday happiness all these years. Its now that I realize :
Cycling is a joy unparalleled. :)
p.s : Not putting much effort in my posts. On a mission to cultivate the habit of being prolific. Will soon merge the two. p.s: song of the day : Wo Sikandar he doston kehlata hai :D p.s: because i love aamir ;)
You know what ! I have this overly conscious conscience. Even as I sit here to frame this post.. I am feeling guilty of being unjust to all the awesome life experiences I have not penned down. This is also one reason I am not able to blog frequently, because when I am drafting one emotion/event, the guilt of not having given importance to more worthy emotions/events keeps distracting me. There have been abundant moments of adrenaline rush, of amazing life experiences, of joys I found in simplest things and love I discovered in dearest ones that deserve due attention here. But I am pulled in here almost always when I am broken.. This is being so selfish you know ! Human beings are inherently selfish I guess. Sometimes I think we as a civilization have made rules for ourselves, but if we did chose to go by living freely we did be more dangerous than the beasts. Anyway, back to the point. So what tragedy brought me back here today ? Its having failed in love I never fell for in the first place. Its been two months since the chapter closed and life's been pretty awesome even after that.. thanks to the resilience developed over the past years.. This was the very first time I ever said someone a "yes". I had full faith, that I may go wrong somewhere but he never will.. after all he had been so genuine all along the way. Also to mention, if I hadn't had that much faith in him (which was developed over a period of one year, enough to convince that it was not blind faith) I would have never said him a "yes". In the period of six months I had given him all the attention I could to make him feel special, that it was as strong from my side as it was from his.. and I strongly felt that I have been so lucky to find a person as genuine as him. We never ever ran into a conflict but I guess I was overly optimistic ( I always am..). It was so easy for him to give it up all. When signs of parting were cropping up, I felt more sorry for him than myself... I could not sleep for days.. picturing what pain he would be going through... I was determined to make love win. I had planned that I would go against my principle of "never going against your parents" if need be.. but to my surprise.. it was so much easier for him. In the last days all he said was, " we have lived beautiful moments together, trust me I would never find a girl better than you..!!.." Hahahaha.. Thanks for the consolation prize indeed ! When did love reduce to such a thing though?! I could see no determination in him of making it happen. Finally I realized that I had made a fool out of myself by taking every possible step I could possibly take. But I still kept thinking that life isn't fair and I am not in his shoes to understand what he might be going through. Its been two months since the chapter closed. I broke down in tears for the first time today.. Something really went wrong.. you know! I did not deserve such a betrayal. Its not loosing the person that is hurting... Its loosing faith in love, sacrifice and commitment.. that is scaring.. All that being said.. a heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again..
2014 had been a great year of self-exploration. From lot of readings, fitness sprees, cycling sprints to mini-marathons ; living alone allowed me to try out a platitude of things on one hand, and on the other hand made me realize the extent of emotional security human companionship provides.
Our emotional health quotient is a complex function of companionship and solitude.
Companionship is like food for heart. Whether good or bad you need it but of course, the better the quality of food the healthier your heart is.
Solitude is like dieting. It helps you maintain your food intake, cleanses your heart and helps it pump at its true potential. Excess of dieting lowers blood-pressure and leads to depressive emotions.
2014 had been a year of stronger family ties and deeper friendship bonds. Although scattered and not constructive, 2014 had also been a year of great learning. And what can be a perfect end to a year than getting to perform at two year-end parties. ^_^
2015 is not going to be a regular year. Either for the good or for the bad, this year is going to be decisive of what the rest of my life holds. It is its position on my lifeline that gives it this sense of urgency. There is a point when you can't let life just be and you feel this pinching need to figure things out, figure things so that each day is well lived and not just breathed. When you have that longing need for direction. When its a do or you will die situation. I wish myself all the best. :)
Wishing every creation on earth a very happy new year ! :)
p.s : travelling from kolkata to noida, got this post reviewed from my co-passengers. :)
p.s : posting from my new moto- G2 ;)
p.s : listening to 'hil dil k naacho naacho' :D
The Catcher in the Rye, a novel by J. D. Salinger, is regarded as a classic. It has been in and out of controversies since it was first published in 1951.
The picture below illustrates the happiest moment in narrator's memory, watching his cute little sister Phoebe go round and round in the carousel. I got it from Andrew's blog
As I read the first line of the last chapter, 'THAT'S ALL I'm going to tell you about', like a shot, a void hit my heart. I did not want this story to end so fast. As in, I wanted to know at least a little more. I, sort of, started liking Holden Caufield by the end of the play. I actually started liking him sometime into the start itself, to tell the truth. The way he jumped from one tale to another amused me, and how he made silly cynical comments about everything. It made me laugh. I kept wondering why people call this book depressing. He kept describing everything around as lousy or phony, and guys he didn't like, as pimpy and all. Funny he was. I sort of felt sorry for him sometimes because he just didn't like anything around him. But the way he kept describing them made him, only, more amusing. How much he loved his cute little sister, Phoebe, would only make you love him more. But he kept feeling dizzy all along. That made me sad.
All long the story you feel as if he is telling you every little bit about his life. But he is not. The darkest side of his life is hidden till the end. He is depressed and all, but only very late into the story do you get a hint of why is he so depressed. Antolini, the teacher, petting/patting over his head scares a hell out of him. And how he reacts scares a hell out of me. Trust me. I know that feeling. Whether Antolini is at fault or not is a completely different story, but what Holden might have gone through is clearly hinted here. This dark side of human race is so unfortunate. I wonder why the hell God made world this way.
Holden steals my heart here.
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around – nobody big, I mean – except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all.
Didn't he? All he wants to do in life is save these little kids from falling down while they are playing in the field of rye. Deep down, it reflects his own state. For all the time he had been falling into the abyss of angst, he wished someone was there to catch him and to save him.
For seldom he appreciates things around him, but when he does the simplicity and innocence of it is an absolute stealer.
Every time he was about to puke, it made me think he is about to die. I was quite sure he would die at the end of the story, to tell the truth, given people had told me the story is very depressing and all. I mean its kind of sad but not depressing. Mark David Chapman found it so depressing(read inspiring) that he murdered John Lennon ?? :O , I still don't get that! Caulfield was all along such an nice guy.
What might have been the case is that, may be Lennon was into some wrong business and David knew about it, and so he wanted to play the savior by putting an end to Lennon's life. It just made me suspicious, for trust me such dark truths are easiest to hide. Nobody wants to talk about it openly as it makes them feel undignified. Also there is never a tangible proof and the truth is ugly.
But I wonder if he, I mean Holden, had always been depressed that way all his life or did some drastic sequence of events in past had a profound impact on his impressionable mind. I even wonder if he ever had his food properly. I still wonder. He felt dizzy all the time. I guess all he needed was to be taken care of. A little more love and happiness and immense amount of family care would have been a more transforming decision than sending him to the asylum.
He was such a bright and nice boy.
p.s: there are certain moments in the story that are so amazing, like when Phoebe comes with her suitcase and all. Phoebe is an absolute delight. All moments with her are amazing actually :)
p.s: I used to think classics are all hi-fi stuffs ( I always think of everything as hi-fi ) and I have to be all scholarly to understand that and all. If this is what classics are, I am in for some more.
p.s: I am listening to : Baarish from Yaariyan, beautiful song. :)