Sunday, September 13, 2015

It will happen again !


You know what ! I have this overly conscious conscience. Even as I sit here to frame this post.. I am feeling guilty of being unjust to all the awesome life experiences I have not penned down. This is also one reason I am not able to blog frequently, because when I am drafting one emotion/event, the guilt of not having given importance to more worthy emotions/events keeps distracting me. There have been abundant moments of adrenaline rush, of amazing life experiences, of joys I found in simplest things and love I discovered in dearest ones that deserve due attention here. But I am pulled in here almost always when I am broken.. This is being so selfish you know ! Human beings are inherently selfish I guess. Sometimes I think we as a civilization have made rules for ourselves, but if we did chose to go by living freely we did be more dangerous than the beasts.  Anyway, back to the point. So what tragedy brought me back here today ? Its having failed in love I never fell for in the first place. 

Its been two months since the chapter closed and life's been pretty awesome even after that.. thanks to the resilience developed over the past years.. This was the very first time I ever said someone a "yes".  I had full faith, that I may go wrong somewhere but he never will.. after all he had been so genuine all along the way. Also to mention, if I hadn't had that much faith in him (which was developed over a period of one year, enough to convince that it was not blind faith) I would have never said him a "yes". In the period of six months I had given him all the attention I could to make him feel special, that it was as strong from my side as it was from his.. and I strongly felt that I have been so lucky to find a person as genuine as him. We never ever ran into a conflict but I guess I was overly optimistic ( I always am..). 

It was so easy for him to give it up all. When signs of parting were cropping up, I felt more sorry for him than myself... I could not sleep for days.. picturing what pain he would be going through... I was determined to make love win. I had planned that I would go against my principle of "never going against your parents" if need be.. but to my surprise.. it was so much easier for him.

In the last days all he said was, " we have lived beautiful moments together, trust me I would never find a girl better than you..!!.."  Hahahaha.. Thanks for the consolation prize indeed ! When did love reduce to such a thing though?! I could see no determination in him of making it happen. Finally I realized that I had made a fool out of myself by taking every possible step I could possibly take. But I still kept thinking that life isn't fair and I am not in his shoes to understand what he might be going through.

Its been two months since the chapter closed. I broke down in tears for the first time today.. Something really went wrong.. you know! I did not deserve such a betrayal. Its not loosing the person that is hurting... Its loosing faith in love, sacrifice and commitment.. that is scaring..

All that being said..  a heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again..

3 comments:

  1. We live our lives inside of our heads. It's just the way we were engineered. We turn every stimulus, every reaction, every experience, every memory into conversation threads inside our minds. That's all we ever do. And the web that we weave with those threads makes the person we become. This is something I've learned from my life. A corollary to this is that we ourselves choose what kind of conversation to build from any experience of ours, tragic or otherwise. And if that conversation is going to mould my personality, why not let it mould me into something i want to become?
    As you said, we're inherently selfish. We can choose to turn any life experience into a tool for bettering ourselves. Also, in the short term it makes existence less of a drag for us and the people who have to deal with us.
    Another thing I've observed in myself is that expression through art helps me discover new perspectives. It helps in keeping those unending threads untangled as much as possible and frees up mental space.

    PS- i debated for a long time about wether i should leave a comment on such a personal post of yours. But your post got me thinking and this here is what i came up with. It helped me in realising how to deal with the personal loss i am myself going through right now. So i thought may be it might help you too. You're free to delete it. :)

    PS- all the best with your struggle. I know how hard it is.

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    1. I logged into the blog today to remove this post. I had been battling all along if should have shared something so personal on a public platform. And then I saw a comment awaiting moderation. It lifted up my confidence :) I had felt some sense of relief after posting this.. but I feared being judged or just having made myself vulnerable. But I guess the beauty of expression through art is you either hit the right chords or you don't hit any. Either way you are safe :P Although art is a big word for what I do here, it has in many ways helped me, as you said, untangle those threads. For a person who struggles with every post, these words have come like a shower of encouragement, to express more and express courageously. Thanks :)

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    2. It must have taken insane courage to share something like this, especially considering the society we've grown up in. I could never have done it, so i respect it even more.
      As for art, my definition is simple. Art is expression. For an engineer it could be through the codes she writes, for a businessman it could be through the way he moulds his organisation. Everyone has their own poison. As long as i get to drink mine, i can appreciate whatever others choose as theirs. :P

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